Naked Lunch: Blow Daddy

By Nadeem F. Paracha
Dawn Images
04/01/09


Daddy?

Yes, son.

Are we going to have a war with India?

Perhaps.

Oh, goody. We will thrash them, right? Like we did in 1857!

It wasn’t in 1857, son.

Oh, okay. But whom did we thrash in 1857?

The British, son…

And the Hindus too, right?

Well…

Did Quaid-i-Azam fight in that war along with Muhammad bin Qasim and Imran Khan?

No, son. The Quaid and Imran were born much later and Muhammad bin Qasim died many years before.

Then who ruled Pakistan in those days?

There was no Pakistan in those days, son.

But there was always a Pakistan! It has been there for 5,000 years!

Who have you been talking to, son?

No one. I’ve just been watching TV.

It figures.

Daddy, why are all these people against us Arabs?

Arabs? But we aren’t Arabs, son.

Of course we are because our ancestors were Arabs!

No, son. Our ancestors were of the subcontinental stock.

Sub-what?

Never mind.You seem to like wars, son.

Yes. I like to watch them on TV.

But real wars are fought outside the TV, son.

Really? How is that possible? What sort of a war is that?

Never mind.

Daddy, you look worried.

Of course, I am, you little warmongering punk!

Daddy! Why are you scolding me?

Because TV is talking rot and so are you!

Daddy, are you supporting Hindus?

No!

Daddy, have you become a kafir?

Keep quiet! No more TV for you! Go watch a movie on DVD or listen to a CD.

Can’t do that.

But we have so many DVDs and CDs, son.

Not any more.

What do you mean?

I burned them all.

What?!

I burned them all.

I heard that! But why?

They spread obscenity.

Oh, God. Son, go do your homework. What happened to that science project you were working on?

It’s almost complete.

Good boy. What are you making?

A bomb.

What?!

A bomb.

I heard that! But why?

Because I am a true Muslim who hates America.

But only last week you wanted to go to Disney Land.

That’s different.

How come?

Mickey Mouse is Muslim.

No, he isn’t.

Is so. He converted when he heard azaan on the moon.

On the moon?

Yes. Because the earth is flat and…

What??

The earth is…

I heard that!

Daddy, do you want to see my science project, or not?

Gosh, that bomb? But your science teacher will fail you.

No, she wont.

Really?

Yes. I plan to blow her up as well.

God, what is wrong with you? Go call your mother!

She can’t come.

Why not?

I’ve locked her in the kitchen.

But what for?

A woman’s place is in the kitchen. I will not let her out until she covers herself up properly!

But she’s your mother!

She’s also a woman!

So?

So she should be hidden.

Hidden from whom?

The whole world and Tony.

Tony?

Yes, Tony.

But Tony’s a cat.

Yes. But he’s male.

Son, have you gone mad?

No. By the way, I’ve made sure Kitto starts covering up as well.

Kitto?

Yes, Kittto.

But Kitto’s a cat!

Yes. But a female cat.

But she’ll suffocate.

Oh, she’s already dead.

What?

She’s already dead.

I heard that! But how?

I buried her alive.

You what?

Yes. To avenge Tony’s honour. But now I will behead Tony.

But why?

To save mom’s honour!

Oh, God!

Don’t say that. Always say Allah.

What’s the difference?

Daddy, do you want to be beheaded too?

No!

Do you want to be stoned to death?

No!

Do you want to be flogged?

No!

Do you want to get your arms chopped off?

No!

Then stop asking silly questions. By the way, I won’t call you daddy anymore.

What will you call me then?

Whatever that is Arabic for daddy.

I don’t know any Arabic, son.

That’s because you are a kafir.

Who the heck are you to tell me who I am, you little fascist twit!

What’s a fascist?

An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man!

W... aaaaaaa...

Why are you crying?

You scolded me.

Okay, I’m sorry. You have to be tolerant and rational, son. Now be a good boy and go read a book instead of watching TV.

I have no books.

Of course, you do. I bought you so many books.

I burned them.

What?

I burned them.

But why?

They were all in English.

So?

It’s a non-Muslim language!

But we are speaking English, aren’t we?

W... aaaaaaa…

What now?

Zionists made me forget my Arabic.

But you never knew any Arabic, son.

W... aaaa… yes, I did until you and mommy gave me the polio drops… aaaaa…

Okay, tell me, can you do me a favour?

Sure, dad.

Can you blow up something for me?

Oh, goody! Of course, dad. What should I blow? A CD shop, a hotel, a school...?

No, no, something a lot more sinister.

Mom?

No, no…

What then?

The TV set!

What?

Blow the TV set.

I heard that! But why?

Just do it!

I see. Dad?

Yes.

You’re so unconstitutional!

Is there anything more left to say honestly. This is a brilliant piece of writing simply because in one imaginary conversation Paracha has managed to highlight one of the most important issues facing Pakistan today, the talibanisation of our society. The fact is the world seems to think the that terrorists and the iraq war and the taliban have really only affected the "civillized", "liberal", "secular" parts of the world. That 9/11 was significant only for the US, well guess what, it wasn't. In barely a decade it has almost destroyed us. I'm done sympathizing with the rest of the world. I'm not going to wear black armbands for mumbai, we suffer the mumbai "carnage" everyday of the week, be it in Karachi or Lahore or Peshawar or Islamabad or Quetta. I'm not going to wear ribbons for Palestine because no muslim country has ever defended us, infact they've stood there pointing fingers at us and making us their scapegoats just so their precious economies don't crumble incase of a mass exodus of american dollars. All the US occupation of Afghanistan has done is pushed the militants into our territory, it hasn't solved anything. It's more like they've been told well you really can't ruin Afghanistan any further, why not cause turmoil in Pakistan, they're muslim too you know, but not very good ones. We are slowly losing every little nuance that defined us as a nation in it's own right, our own people are beginning to forget that we aren't arab, we aren't indian and we're not afghan. We're Pakistani. A beautiful amalgamation of centuries of cultural influences from every region of the world, our entire heritage is like no other. We can trace our lineage back to the indus valley civilisation (ghandara, harrapa, moehenjodaro), the mongols, the persians, the turks, the arabs and even the greeks. Even our language is a mix; turkish and persian and arabic and sanskrit and uncountable smaller regional dialects. We don't belong to any single nation, but are a wondrous people in our own right. I can't understand why we forget that so easily, why we have to constantly prove ourselves to somebody or the other, be they muslim or non-muslim. I'm done pretending I care. But you know what, we're going to make it anyway, we're going to survive through it all, because we still have people who remember what being pakistani means, who are trying as best as they can to retain their identity and trying to remind others of theirs. Be it through writing or music or art or media, some how, we'll survive this disaster as well

Hmmmm....I guess I did have plenty left to say.