Naked Lunch: Blow Daddy

By Nadeem F. Paracha
Dawn Images
04/01/09


Daddy?

Yes, son.

Are we going to have a war with India?

Perhaps.

Oh, goody. We will thrash them, right? Like we did in 1857!

It wasn’t in 1857, son.

Oh, okay. But whom did we thrash in 1857?

The British, son…

And the Hindus too, right?

Well…

Did Quaid-i-Azam fight in that war along with Muhammad bin Qasim and Imran Khan?

No, son. The Quaid and Imran were born much later and Muhammad bin Qasim died many years before.

Then who ruled Pakistan in those days?

There was no Pakistan in those days, son.

But there was always a Pakistan! It has been there for 5,000 years!

Who have you been talking to, son?

No one. I’ve just been watching TV.

It figures.

Daddy, why are all these people against us Arabs?

Arabs? But we aren’t Arabs, son.

Of course we are because our ancestors were Arabs!

No, son. Our ancestors were of the subcontinental stock.

Sub-what?

Never mind.You seem to like wars, son.

Yes. I like to watch them on TV.

But real wars are fought outside the TV, son.

Really? How is that possible? What sort of a war is that?

Never mind.

Daddy, you look worried.

Of course, I am, you little warmongering punk!

Daddy! Why are you scolding me?

Because TV is talking rot and so are you!

Daddy, are you supporting Hindus?

No!

Daddy, have you become a kafir?

Keep quiet! No more TV for you! Go watch a movie on DVD or listen to a CD.

Can’t do that.

But we have so many DVDs and CDs, son.

Not any more.

What do you mean?

I burned them all.

What?!

I burned them all.

I heard that! But why?

They spread obscenity.

Oh, God. Son, go do your homework. What happened to that science project you were working on?

It’s almost complete.

Good boy. What are you making?

A bomb.

What?!

A bomb.

I heard that! But why?

Because I am a true Muslim who hates America.

But only last week you wanted to go to Disney Land.

That’s different.

How come?

Mickey Mouse is Muslim.

No, he isn’t.

Is so. He converted when he heard azaan on the moon.

On the moon?

Yes. Because the earth is flat and…

What??

The earth is…

I heard that!

Daddy, do you want to see my science project, or not?

Gosh, that bomb? But your science teacher will fail you.

No, she wont.

Really?

Yes. I plan to blow her up as well.

God, what is wrong with you? Go call your mother!

She can’t come.

Why not?

I’ve locked her in the kitchen.

But what for?

A woman’s place is in the kitchen. I will not let her out until she covers herself up properly!

But she’s your mother!

She’s also a woman!

So?

So she should be hidden.

Hidden from whom?

The whole world and Tony.

Tony?

Yes, Tony.

But Tony’s a cat.

Yes. But he’s male.

Son, have you gone mad?

No. By the way, I’ve made sure Kitto starts covering up as well.

Kitto?

Yes, Kittto.

But Kitto’s a cat!

Yes. But a female cat.

But she’ll suffocate.

Oh, she’s already dead.

What?

She’s already dead.

I heard that! But how?

I buried her alive.

You what?

Yes. To avenge Tony’s honour. But now I will behead Tony.

But why?

To save mom’s honour!

Oh, God!

Don’t say that. Always say Allah.

What’s the difference?

Daddy, do you want to be beheaded too?

No!

Do you want to be stoned to death?

No!

Do you want to be flogged?

No!

Do you want to get your arms chopped off?

No!

Then stop asking silly questions. By the way, I won’t call you daddy anymore.

What will you call me then?

Whatever that is Arabic for daddy.

I don’t know any Arabic, son.

That’s because you are a kafir.

Who the heck are you to tell me who I am, you little fascist twit!

What’s a fascist?

An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man!

W... aaaaaaa...

Why are you crying?

You scolded me.

Okay, I’m sorry. You have to be tolerant and rational, son. Now be a good boy and go read a book instead of watching TV.

I have no books.

Of course, you do. I bought you so many books.

I burned them.

What?

I burned them.

But why?

They were all in English.

So?

It’s a non-Muslim language!

But we are speaking English, aren’t we?

W... aaaaaaa…

What now?

Zionists made me forget my Arabic.

But you never knew any Arabic, son.

W... aaaa… yes, I did until you and mommy gave me the polio drops… aaaaa…

Okay, tell me, can you do me a favour?

Sure, dad.

Can you blow up something for me?

Oh, goody! Of course, dad. What should I blow? A CD shop, a hotel, a school...?

No, no, something a lot more sinister.

Mom?

No, no…

What then?

The TV set!

What?

Blow the TV set.

I heard that! But why?

Just do it!

I see. Dad?

Yes.

You’re so unconstitutional!

Is there anything more left to say honestly. This is a brilliant piece of writing simply because in one imaginary conversation Paracha has managed to highlight one of the most important issues facing Pakistan today, the talibanisation of our society. The fact is the world seems to think the that terrorists and the iraq war and the taliban have really only affected the "civillized", "liberal", "secular" parts of the world. That 9/11 was significant only for the US, well guess what, it wasn't. In barely a decade it has almost destroyed us. I'm done sympathizing with the rest of the world. I'm not going to wear black armbands for mumbai, we suffer the mumbai "carnage" everyday of the week, be it in Karachi or Lahore or Peshawar or Islamabad or Quetta. I'm not going to wear ribbons for Palestine because no muslim country has ever defended us, infact they've stood there pointing fingers at us and making us their scapegoats just so their precious economies don't crumble incase of a mass exodus of american dollars. All the US occupation of Afghanistan has done is pushed the militants into our territory, it hasn't solved anything. It's more like they've been told well you really can't ruin Afghanistan any further, why not cause turmoil in Pakistan, they're muslim too you know, but not very good ones. We are slowly losing every little nuance that defined us as a nation in it's own right, our own people are beginning to forget that we aren't arab, we aren't indian and we're not afghan. We're Pakistani. A beautiful amalgamation of centuries of cultural influences from every region of the world, our entire heritage is like no other. We can trace our lineage back to the indus valley civilisation (ghandara, harrapa, moehenjodaro), the mongols, the persians, the turks, the arabs and even the greeks. Even our language is a mix; turkish and persian and arabic and sanskrit and uncountable smaller regional dialects. We don't belong to any single nation, but are a wondrous people in our own right. I can't understand why we forget that so easily, why we have to constantly prove ourselves to somebody or the other, be they muslim or non-muslim. I'm done pretending I care. But you know what, we're going to make it anyway, we're going to survive through it all, because we still have people who remember what being pakistani means, who are trying as best as they can to retain their identity and trying to remind others of theirs. Be it through writing or music or art or media, some how, we'll survive this disaster as well

Hmmmm....I guess I did have plenty left to say.

We'd All Like To Believe We're Different, But Really We're All Exactly The Same.

While trying to escape the fact that I have an exam in 2 days, I decided to randomly start searching for blogs about Pakistan. What I ended up reading was a blog called the --- by a group of (I'm going out on a limb here) Non-Muslims, well they called themselves infidels. What I read there should have made me furious, but half way through I found myself grinning. As ridiculous as it sounds, I've never felt more relieved. I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, but it made me realize that scary, creepy people are a world wide phenomenon. This blog was full of the same sort of hatred that all the stupid, over the top mullahs spew all the time. Destroy them before they destroy us, hit them because they hit us, they're evil, they're vile, they'll destroy our way of life, fee fi fo fum, lets sound the drums of war, etc etc, you get the point. The actual funny bit is that I don't think either side even realizes how similar they really sound. Everyone is the victim, each side is so sure they're right, and each side seems to be looking for a fight. It's all simply a heightened sense of superiority, unbalanced justice and righteous anger and frankly no one is going to win. We're all going to lose and by "We" I mean the human race in general. We have no idea what we want, what we actually hope to achieve and why we're so terrified of living in a world that isn't all the same. Everybody sees only what they want to see, the statistics change depending on who's being blamed, and who's to be blamed changes with whoever's doing the blaming. It's sad obviously, but really it's nice to know that it's not just Muslims or Pakistanis (as everyone would have you believe) that are capable of being irrational, there are other people throughout the world, who are equally deranged. Yup, this is all going to end really well.

I Believe, I Believe, I Believe...Screw You, This Is What I Believe.

Every where I look people, many friends included, seem to be signing up for religious classes. That should be no big deal right, I mean they’re usually just hour long classes talking out issues that are admittedly ambiguous in Islam, no big deal. Then why am I terrified of the idea. That’s honestly the only way I can describe it, I’m shit scared. Every where I look I feel cornered in. It’s as if I’m walking briskly through the crowd with my beliefs clutched to my chest, looking left and right then left again lest someone should try and wrest them out of my hands. I’m perpetually terrified that any day now, I’m going to wake up and find that everything’s changed, that I can no longer drive because I’m a women, that I can’t vote, can’t wear what I want, can’t say what I want, can’t go where I want, can’t even surf the net the way that I want. I feel like I’m losing any control that I had over my own existence, I mean it’s already started hasn’t it. Some one invites me over for a dars and I have to lie and make excuses (or just shut up and go when I run out of excuses), I don’t have the guts to come out and say that you know what I don’t believe in this crap (I try from time to time but it usually ends with people deciding that I’m an atheist or something). I can’t really say that I don’t trust that the female sitting in the centre of the group is an actual scholar and not just the spawn of some politically motivated so called Islamic organization. I can’t say that I believe bringing in shariah laws are a bad idea, since we’re just not capable enough to ensure that they’re not misused. I’ve never been able to explain that I don’t think Allah works in absolutes, that I feel that what we believe and how we follow Islam should be personal, that instead of going into who’s doing what wrong and how, we should try to work on the few basics that are definite. That we should try and be what God expected we’d be all along, good and kind, and generous and modest and honest and just. Be decent human beings at least. We’re so worried about the little things, the nuances of our religion, that you’d think we’d already mastered the muslim part of being a GOOD muslim. Most of all I don’t believe that Allah or Islam are in those little things, I believe they’re in my soul, they’re in the fact that I always try to do the right thing, that Allah knows I try, that even when I slip up (and I slip up a lot) He doesn’t give up on me, that my belief in Him gives me comfort and warmth and no force can shake it. The institutionalization of Islam terrifies me mainly because, I feel, it’ll make me forget all this, it’ll make me forget how much I love Him, and instead (God forbid) make me resent Him even though it’s not the laws that are bad it’s how people twist them that is. I love my religion, I just hate what’s being done to it. I’m just grateful my parents were able to teach me to form my own opinions regardless of what everyone else said and make me realize that God isn’t some unknown force constantly looking for ways to punish us, but one whose constantly looking for ways to help us.

A Little Research Goes A Long Way.

A few weeks back I got one of those forwarded smses doing the rounds these days. You know, the one that goes because of Denmark's actions against Islam boycott Nestle, etc. The second I read it my blood began to boil, not because I'm against the boycotting of danish products in response to their disrespect towards Islam, but because of the absolute stupidity of that message! NESTLE ISN'T DANISH! I mean, honestly, how hard is it grasping that simple little fact? Why is it so hard to actually read the milkpak carton to confirm what country the company belongs too before stradling your white horse and riding out to rescue Islam? It is exactly this sort of superiority complex that has brought muslim countries and muslims in general to the precipice of an economic, intellectual, pollitical and moral dungheap! The idea that just because we're muslims, we're somehow absolutely perfect, that we require no improvement and we just know everything. Moreover the idea that just because we're muslims we're automatically forgiven for all our sins, I don't know about other muslim countries, but atleast in Pakistan this theory is all too common. That nomatter how many times we lie, cheat, steal or refuse to pay taxes, all is forgiven simply because we pray five times a day and beg God for forgiveness. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that to really be granted forgiveness we have to promise not to repeat our sins and then actually NOT REPEAT them. I know it's not my place to judge, but really sometimes it's all a little too much! And as for boycotting Nestle, it's one of the very few companies that manufacture their products in Pakistan. It sets up factories and hires our own people, by boycotting such companies all we're really doing it causing factories to shut down, leading to increased unemployment, increased frustration, desperation, and God forbid suicide bombers. So please just research your messages and emails before passing them along so as to prevent confusion, and please always always think about the cosequences of your actions and try for a little empathy.